Did you ever think, 19 years and some odd months ago, that one day, the woman you shared your bed, your child, your bank account, your dreams and your life with, would be someone that you hate? Could you ever have imagined a world where the person who shared most of your firsts with you was someone you wished ill will on to the point of accusations, stalking and a 12 year legal battle? I wonder, did you go into the relationship knowing that you had fully intended to control every aspect of your partner and your future children? Did you know you had that in you? At 21, did you even know yourself to know what kind of a life you wanted? Did it occur to you that, at 17, your wild minded wife wasn't just 'going through a phase'? That maybe she was actually that wild and independent?
No, I don't suppose you realized any of those things. You had big dreams. I will give you that much. Trying to find your niche in college. Trying to become a mechanic. Wanting to own a home by the time you were 25. They were good dreams. I suppose I ruined them, much like the rest of your life. I came in, this cute little 16 year old package of dynamite and I blew up your world. I mean, it's no wonder you were taken by me. I was adventurous, pretty, smart, personable and outgoing: everything you were not. And that's ok. Opposites attract, right? Unfortunately, not all combinations go well together. Water and oil you can mix together and make a cake at least. But oil and gasoline can never be a positive mixture. It just ends in disaster.
We were young and we were stupid. Both college students having no real world experience, coming from opposite ends of the spectrum. Big family girl meets homebody. See, the difference is, someone from a big family can fit in with anyone. We're surrounded by a million different personalities all mixed in. But someone who is more of a quiet loner doesn't really understand, can't really understand, the huge family dynamic. But that's ok. It's honestly a catch 22. If we would have slowed down and gotten to know each other better before jumping into pregnancy and marriage, then we would have realized a few months in that we didn't really like each other. But, then again, we wouldn't have the two amazing children that we share. And that would be a travesty to the world to not get to know them. They are two of the most amazing people that God could have created.
The problem is, that control thing never has worked for me. I'm not very good at being told what to do. I'm no rebel by any means. I listened to my parents growing up (you know...until the whole 17 year old pregnancy thing). I follow rules. I obey laws. I do what I'm told at work. But being ordered around isn't really my bag, ya feel me? I like adventure and newness. I like throwing caution to the wind. I like being spontaneous. Unfortunately, you could never understand this line of thought. You are safe. And that's ok, it's who you are.
You see, we brought two children into this world. And for better or worse, their personalities have developed. They have a LOT of my personality traits: wild, adventurous, free-spirited, passionate, athletic. They learned many of your traits as well. When I argue with them, I feel like I'm arguing with you. It's almost amusing. Almost. They see things one way and cannot seem to see it any other way but how they perceive it. I guess it has its pros and cons. I fear you will never know the true spirit that resides in these two.
Our daughter is beautiful on the outside, but so much more on the inside! She is a caregiver. Her heart bleeds for everyone. She wants to fix everybody's problems. She's a people pleaser. The trick is trying to teach her which people to she can and cannot fix. She has ambitions. She's strong. She's independent. She's the most trustworthy person I've ever met. She wants to be appreciated and she wants to feel important and understood.
Our son, naturally, is so drastically different than most people in the world. He's overly logical. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met. I wish he'd use his brains to the potential in which he is capable. He's daring and dangerous. He's handsome, so handsome he is pretty. He's a natural talent. He learns things immediately and never has to second guess himself. He's just good at everything. He's ornery. He's got a little devil in his grin but his eyes are all angel. Truth be told, he's a momma's boy. He's strong. But he wants validation too. He needs people to listen when he talks. He doesn't say much, so when he does, he demands attention.
They are so different in some ways, and very much the same in others. They deserve everything in the world, and I have no doubt that they can achieve it.
But then there's us. We're holding them back. We are both stubborn, which is where they learned it. We are both determined, which is where they learned it. We both have taken a stance. There may not be one person able to say which of us is right and which isn't, or that we're both right, or that neither of us are. Just our children. They see the struggles. They form their opinions. They have their own stances. I cannot deny them my undying loyalty. They are my world. I couldn't sleep at night knowing that I didn't fight for them. And I don't meant fight to have them all to myself. I mean fight to have their thoughts validated. I don't have to agree, I just have to care enough to listen and try to make life work around everyone's opinion.
And that, ex-husband, is what I'm doing. You don't have to agree. I know you hate me, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that the children have parents that are at odds with one another. Contrary to your belief, I do not hate you. I hate that we have had to go through these roller coasters of battles. I hate that the kids feel conflicted. I want peace. I want for you to understand where I'm coming from. I do see what you're wanting. I know you want to be with them more often. I'm sorry they are choosing to not be with you more. I can only hope and pray they change their perspective as they grow older.
I do pray for this, nightly. I pray that God's will is done. Only the Lord knows what will happen. I pray that he opens my heart to see what you are saying and lead me on a path for the children's best interest. I pray that he softens your heart to see what the children are asking.
We keep asking the court to help us, but only God can. You are responsible for you and I am responsible for me. I do believe I am following a path that is right for the children. I have promised before to encourage the children. I hope and pray you also work towards a better relationship with them.
This isn't easy. I don't like you as a person. I think you make life more difficult than it needs to be. I do appreciate that you love our children. I appreciate that you have always worked and shown them what work ethic looks like. I appreciate that you love your parents. I know you have derived lessons from your family history that you believe is the right path for you. And it well may be. But you are not your father. And our son is not you. You had to find your own path and so must he. Hopefully one day our daughter will find it in her heart to forgive you and hopefully you will find it in your heart to ask forgiveness.
We only get them for a short time before they go off on their own to live their own lives. My goal is to have them be the most productive members of society possible, while learning how to handle themselves in stressful situations and conflict, while still loving others. I pray that as they grow and mature, they will continue to seek my guidance in their lives, as I seek the guidance of my mother and grandmother. I would like them to be able to come to you for guidance as well. But that is a story for you to tell. That is a goal for you to make, should you choose to make it. But I hope some day you look back and see that at the end of the day, I did everything for our kids that I could do. And someday I hope you find the necessary method for being their confidant and ally. I don't know what it will take, but I'm pretty sure blaming me for the disconnect will not solve the problem. So I wish you good luck. Let me know if I can help. I know you won't ask for help, but I'm offering it anyway.
Much of my being is no longer that 17 year old girl learning how to navigate freedom. I'm seasoned. I've been through a lot. I've loved, I've lost, I've learned. Every day I learn something new. Every day I try to be a better me for my family. There are still parts of me who cling to the freedom, the independence and the adventure, I just find it within the spirits of my children. That's how I know I did something right.
